February 11 - 13, 2015
As the days continue on I think about Facebook less and less. I think at this point in my venture I can come clean and admit that there is more than a Facebook habit I am trying to kick, and a much more internal and holistic reason for wanting to make a break from social media. Living my life with some sort of chronic pain for the last 3 years took me down a road I never thought I would travel, and I find myself now, without pain, but with a physical and emotional addiction to pain medication. So, I know from past experience working with individuals with opiate addiction that the process can be very UNpretty, and since I didn't really want to risk sharing that possible emotional train wreck with almost 400 of my "closest and most personal friends" ie. my Friend List on Facebook, I just chose to deactivate. Refocus my life, refocus my health, refocus my energy, and channel it all into something positive.
I deactivated my Facebook account on February 4th. I took my last pain pill on February 8th. It's been...OK. I knew that this would be a challenge for me mentally, long after the physical symptoms of withdrawal wore off, so I enlisted the help of a substance abuse counselor a couple of months ago. The original plan was that I was going to have partial knee replacement on January 28th, and the need for pain medication would be much more prolonged, but thankfully I had a competent surgeon this time around, and he found the actual problem, fixed it, and I was in relatively no pain after the first week. I am able to do so much more physically now than I have been able to in many, many months, and I'm in such a good place mentally about that, the whole process has been very smooth. I've been without meds for 5 days, and the physical symptoms are gone. I am utterly amazed at how smoothly it has gone so far, but I am not getting ahead of myself. I know there will come a day (and it won't be long from today) that I will decide I need a pill, and that's when the rubber will hit the road. I have to wonder, though, since I have tried this whole process of quitting before, if it's not easier because I'm not on Facebook. I'm forcing myself to "do" things and engage with other people and activities, and I'm not riding the roller coaster of the drama that can come along with social media. I don't know. I suspected it could have an impact, hence the timing of the deactivation (several people have questioned why I opted to deactivate 2 weeks before Lent if my plan was to break for Lent). There is a HUGE difference between a knee jerk post or reaction on social media, and the well thought out words that I place here. I think that social media tends to make us all more impulsive, and that impulsiveness bleeds over into more areas of our lives than we realize.
I started wearing a rubber band around my wrist today, and when I start to lose my focus, think about pills, panic or just go to some other bad or unhealthy place in my mind I pop it. The pain brings me back. I've never liked negative emotions. I mean...who does? I REALLY don't like them, though. I will run from them in any way I can. The rubber band pop helps bring me back. Back to my husband. Back to my children. Back to my parents. Back to my friends. Back to the people that need me here. Back to the people who need for me to stop running.
I've got a job that I really like. It's physical, and it's not glamorous, but the family I work with is nice, and genuinely thankful for the things I do for them. I feel needed and that has always been the only thing to make a job outside my home worth it. The kids like me, I like them, and it's just an overall positive environment to be in. Another plus for me, and just what I needed at this point in my life.
I've been continuing to read The Fault in Our Stars, and I retract my previous statement about it being generically written young adult fodder. It's actually pretty awesome, and I am over halfway through it. I've been devoting most of my free time to reading it, and I look forward to reading more of author's books. I'm really glad now that I didn't jump the gun and watch the movie first.
In news, news...
Jon Stewart is leaving The Daily Show, which is a huge bummer. HUGE. He will be missed.
Obama pwned conservative republicans in the face at the National Prayer Breakfast last week, reminding them that plenty of Christians throughout history have twisted religion and murdered in the name of their faith. It's just a fact. Don't be mad, bro.
The Mars One Project...why am I just now hearing about this? They are narrowing their list down to 100 today (it's probably done already), and I'm just fascinated with the entire thing. I really hope the whole thing goes down as planned, and I can watch the whole thing unfold. Really cool.
Rednecks are shooting Muslims again (Chapel Hill, NC). Go figure. Intolerant, hate-filled assholes. Sometimes I wish I could understand, but most of the time I'm glad I don't. I'm just happy to go on loving everybody, and raising the little people in my little corner of the world to do the same.
Republicans are still running the show in Washington DC and I would need hours to adequately cover all the ways in which I feel they are fucking it up, but let's just suffice it to say they are.
In Ben and EK related news, we're sort of at a stand still with potty training. It's happening, but not with any real consistency. I think we've had a tiny setback with them adjusting to me being gone working again. I finally caught their cold, but I'm mostly over it now. Their little noses continue to produce more snot that one would think possible for such tiny noses. They also are obsessed with "being sick" "calling the doctor" and their "knee popping." All of my health problems over these last few months have clearly made an impact on them. Hopefully these next few months can be a time of restoring my health, so my kids don't think they always need to go to the doctor. :(
It's bedtime. I still haven't started trying to learn to crochet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...
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