OK, so in typical *me* fashion I did not keep up with this blog. However, there are 2 things I have kept up with:
1) I'm still off of Facebook
2) I'm still sober
I did reactivate my Facebook account a couple of weeks ago because it had become very clear very fast that the only way to get people to actually interact with you these days is to be on Facebook, and I realized how much of my life I have connected to Facebook. There were important accounts that I literally could not get logged into without my Facebook account. I am using it only to log into those accounts and chat with a very selective list of people. I also created an album for pictures of the kids for Mike's parents. I know his mom especially was missing the photos of them.
Let's see...what have I been up to...
Well, I'm still unemployed. I worked for a while for a local family as a mother's helper because she was having health issues in her pregnancy, but she is feeling much better now, and they no longer needed my services. That time was good for me, and I am thankful for it, although it was brief.
I am doing SO much stuff with the kids these days and it's so much fun. We're making crafts a lot and they love it! We've been focusing a lot on Easter crafts since it's just around the corner. They are also working a lot of puzzles these days, and they are just so, so smart. It has truly been a blessing to fully plug myself back into their lives.
I'm still doing crosswords, reading books and magazines, and just being overall more productive in general. My house is like a different place. It still has a long way to go, but it's looking less like a hoard and more like a home. That feels really good. It feels good to let go of things that have been weighing me down.
When I reactivated my Facebook account I went in and left all groups that I knew to be breeding grounds for drama. I also cut my friend list by half. I unfollowed several pages that seem to be geared toward disagreement or heated debate. I really have reached the point that I just don't need the stress and silliness.
I have learned to crochet, and I'm not good at it, but it's a start. It's way easier that knitting. I've also started making hair bows for Emmie Kate, and she gets so excited each time I make another one.
I've learned a lot about myself over these last 6 weeks. I've learned that I don't need social media to survive. I've learned that I'm actually better person for it. I know I will go back to Facebook when this little experiment is over because I do miss it, but it won't ever be like it was before. The first week or so I felt pretty crazy, alone, disconnected, but now I feel more connected to everything.
More importantly and most importantly, I'm learning to just "be," I'm learning to seek out healthy things when I am restless or having cravings (which still wash over me sometimes like waves over a rocky shore). I think that Mike sees the difference in me. He told me for the first time the other day that I was doing a good job and he was proud. That hasn't happened before. Not because he's an ass, but because all of my previous promises to get myself straightened out were empty promises and he knew it.
I wish I could think of some more specific things to report for the last couple of weeks since I last wrote, but I'm tired. It was a long day of living. :)
Friday, March 20, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
60Days Without Facebook - Day 17
February 21, 2015
The kids woke up around 2:30am, so I knew it was going to be a long morning. Today was just one of my bad days. Tons of anxiety, short temper, quick to anger and no patience. Mike is still sick so I am trying to leave him alone to get adequate rest. Some days I just really feel a failure at peaceful parenting. I know I was harsh, mean and even a bully to my kids today, so I am laying here now in bed feeling like an asshole. Regardless of my foul mood, I vacuumed, did dishes and cleaned out all of our recycle items that had been piling out. I also brushed the dog.
Anyway, they did go to my mom's today, which was likely for the best. I stopped at Wal-Mart to get a few things, and then took a nap for a couple of hours. When I woke up I had a snack of pita chips, red bell pepper and ranch dressing. Later for dinner I ate some of my leftover spaghetti bake. It was tasty. We made that one meal go a long way.
Off to bed. It just overall has been a moody day. My period is 3 days late. I'll chalk it up to that nonsense.
The kids woke up around 2:30am, so I knew it was going to be a long morning. Today was just one of my bad days. Tons of anxiety, short temper, quick to anger and no patience. Mike is still sick so I am trying to leave him alone to get adequate rest. Some days I just really feel a failure at peaceful parenting. I know I was harsh, mean and even a bully to my kids today, so I am laying here now in bed feeling like an asshole. Regardless of my foul mood, I vacuumed, did dishes and cleaned out all of our recycle items that had been piling out. I also brushed the dog.
Anyway, they did go to my mom's today, which was likely for the best. I stopped at Wal-Mart to get a few things, and then took a nap for a couple of hours. When I woke up I had a snack of pita chips, red bell pepper and ranch dressing. Later for dinner I ate some of my leftover spaghetti bake. It was tasty. We made that one meal go a long way.
Off to bed. It just overall has been a moody day. My period is 3 days late. I'll chalk it up to that nonsense.
Friday, February 20, 2015
60 Days Without Facebook - Days 15 & 16
February 19 - 20, 2015
Emily woke up SO sick Thursday morning. Her cough just was awful. She, Ben and Mike have been sick on and off for 3 weeks now, so it was time to call in reinforcements. I called Dr. Grimsley and made Mike an appointment, and then placed a call to the pediatrician for Ben and Emily. Mike has a sinus infection, and got something for that and cough. Ben and Emily's pediatrician wanted to see them on Friday, so we just continued on with the homemade cough syrup, which is amazing by the way, and Benadryl. Even though they were feeling bad they still wanted to go see Grandma, so they went there for a few hours. While they were gone I continued my mission to get the house back in order. I vacuumed and steam mopped the floors in the living room, dining room and back bathroom, did dishes, cleaned the kid's rocking chairs and washed a load of towels. After that I read for a bit and did a couple crossword puzzles. I also...get this...READ A MAGAZINE. LOL Like an actual hold-in-your-hand print magazine. I think that's the first time I've done that in years. By the time they came home I was pretty tired, but I still managed to throw together a pretty awesome dinner of spaghetti. I took the leftovers and put them in a casserole dish topped with mozzarella cheese, and put it in the fridge to bake for another night.
Emily had a TERRIBLE night, and I was so glad that she had an appointment scheduled to see the doctor today. Mike seems to be a bit better, but still not up to par. we all had some yummy and unhealthy McDonald's for breakfast, and while the kids played in the late morning I stuffed a couple of artichokes and got them ready for steaming. I took a nap with Emily since we were both pretty exhausted from lousy sleep the previous night, and when we all woke up it was time to go to the doctor. I swear...my kids LOVE the doctor. I've never known kids that loved the doctor like they do.
They both have sinus infections, which the doctor said weren't severe. Emily's right ear is infected, which she said looked minor, but was glad we didn't wait any longer to have them seen. She said their original sickness was a viral cold, but it developed into infections in the sinuses and ears. She also gave Ben a referral to a podiatrist for his big toes. The toenails grow weird and he always has ingrown toenails. :/ Ben weighs 30.2 pounds and Emily weighs 27.5. I'm thrilled with this because it means they can both rear face in their car seats for MUCH longer (until 40 pounds).
When we got back my dad came for a visit. The kids had fun visiting with him. I busied myself in the kitchen steaming my artichokes (which turned out AMAZING) and roasting some fingerling potatoes. I made the spaghetti bake for Mike. The kids had PB&J, pita chips and greek yogurt for dinner. We're all getting there, slowly but surely.
Time for bed, but before I go I just have to mention that we finally watched the first episode of season 5 of The Walking Dead that aired after the winter break and ***spoilers***
I am absolutely crushed that Tyreese died. I mean...I cried like a bitch. Like. A. Bitch. Ugh. If I had been alone I would've had heaving sobs. It was just so unexpected and I just HATE so much that they killed him. Ugh. That show just keeps breaking my heart. I keep watching it though. LOL
Tyreese
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
60 Days Without Facebook - Days 10 - 14
February 14 - 18, 2015
I really wish I had the time in the day to keep this blog up on a daily basis, but it just ever really seems to work out that way. I know there are things that were notable at the time that just flee my memory before I come to write when 5 days have passed.
Valentine's Day passed without event. Mike and I continued our tradition of skipping it. My mom went to a lot of trouble with the kids to have them do things for us that were special. They made us a heart shaped cake and cards. It was really sweet. I spent the day organizing and purging their toys...again. Slowly but surely I'm pulling this house back together.
On The 15th (Sunday) I got an unexpected day off and I just spent it hanging out with the kids. Mike has been sick, and in typical Mike fashion, he refuses to go to the doctor. We played, colored, did puzzles, read books...the usual. :) I also went to the grocery store and got some yummy unprocessed food to eat. I'm craving red bell peppers with ranch dressing like crazy lately, and I plan to try my hand at steamed artichokes, so I picked up a couple of those. I'd like to move back in the direction of clean eating. If my stuffed artichokes turn out well I'll share the recipe.
Monday I worked and then saw my therapist. It was a good visit she is proud of the progress I've made and I am too really. At the time I'm actually writing this I'm 11 days sober and that's a very good thing. I'm still having a terrible time with night waking. It's actually quite annoying. I wake between 1 and 3am and can't go back to sleep for 1-2 hours. I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday of next week and plan to ask him to change up some of my medication. Maybe that will help. Anyway, Monday night I made parmesan crusted baked chicken with steamed brown rice and fresh steamed broccoli. It felt nice to cook again. I've gotten REALLY out of the habit of cooking. It's quite shameful actually. Ben and Emily have become so accustomed to processed food that they don't eve know how to act when real food is put in front of them. Now that they are almost 3 and I know they can clearly understand the options when it comes to meal times we are going to present the dinner option I make and then an alternative of PB&J. Those are the 2 options. The other option is to not eat. I feel that is fair given their age. They can't keep eating processed chicken nuggets and fried forever.
On Tuesday we woke up with no power. Well, the power actually went out at about 10:30pm the night before because of the ice storm. I took the kids to my moms and spent a looooong day there. I finally brought them home around 5pm to get things to go back and spend the night. The power came back at about 5:30pm and has been on since. The ice storm wasn't really a big storm, but it was a HUGE mess. Lots of people were without power for a couple of days. We were lucky ours came back within 24 hours. I'll tell you that if ANYTHING was going to drive me back to Facebook, the boredom of an entire day without power would've done it. Haha! It wasn't too hard, though. There are only a couple of people I am staying in contact with at this point, and they've been super busy. I've been mostly on my own, but it's been OK spending some time in my own head. That's getting easier. I do miss them, though. It's hard to feel like people are slipping away, but I've decided not to fight it. True friendships wax and wane at times, and always come back around.
Wednesday I worked and that was actually nice. I am still enjoying my job. It's nice to go into a non-chaotic home, and I feel like I'm learning a lot about how to make my own home more calm and peaceful. I ordered a turbo sweeper from Amazon and it came today. It's this nifty little gadget that plugs in and charges, and then you can have cordless vacuuming on hardwood or carpet. It doesn't do the major job of a full sized vacuum, but it's super easy to use. It was a nice purchase for $35. I also ordered some glass storage containers, and I plan to do away with my plastic containers. We'll see how that goes. Also in the works are microfiber cloths for dusting, white cleaning towels to reduce paper towel usage and a dog brush for this poor, long suffering and ignored dog of ours. Trying to pull everything together after so long not caring if it was together or not is really difficult. It takes a lot of time and patience. I just have to keep reminding myself that it didn't get this way overnight and I can't fix it overnight. Mike has been really sick, so he's not been able to do much. The kids are both still swinging back and forth between OK and cruddy. Ben seems to be pretty well, but EK is struggling with coughing, especially at night.
I am reading a new book. It's a horror called Preta's Realm. I got it free on Amazon. Those books can be hit or miss. After I finished The Fault In Our Stars I started a book called Rush and it was an absolute disaster. I finally gave up on it about halfway through. It just was not good at all. I am thinking I may start another book this evening. I have a Mitford book that Jan Karon just published. It's bound to be a feel good book. Back in the day before Facebook I usually had 2 or 3 books going at once. I don't see any reason I can't get back to that.
I don't feel like going into "news, news" right now, but one thing of note is that today is Ash Wednesday and marks the official beginning of Lent, which means I'm officially 2 weeks Facebook free. LOL. I fasted today according to custom. One meal and two snacks, abstaining from meat. It was a good start to the Lent season.
I really wish I had the time in the day to keep this blog up on a daily basis, but it just ever really seems to work out that way. I know there are things that were notable at the time that just flee my memory before I come to write when 5 days have passed.
Valentine's Day passed without event. Mike and I continued our tradition of skipping it. My mom went to a lot of trouble with the kids to have them do things for us that were special. They made us a heart shaped cake and cards. It was really sweet. I spent the day organizing and purging their toys...again. Slowly but surely I'm pulling this house back together.
On The 15th (Sunday) I got an unexpected day off and I just spent it hanging out with the kids. Mike has been sick, and in typical Mike fashion, he refuses to go to the doctor. We played, colored, did puzzles, read books...the usual. :) I also went to the grocery store and got some yummy unprocessed food to eat. I'm craving red bell peppers with ranch dressing like crazy lately, and I plan to try my hand at steamed artichokes, so I picked up a couple of those. I'd like to move back in the direction of clean eating. If my stuffed artichokes turn out well I'll share the recipe.
Monday I worked and then saw my therapist. It was a good visit she is proud of the progress I've made and I am too really. At the time I'm actually writing this I'm 11 days sober and that's a very good thing. I'm still having a terrible time with night waking. It's actually quite annoying. I wake between 1 and 3am and can't go back to sleep for 1-2 hours. I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday of next week and plan to ask him to change up some of my medication. Maybe that will help. Anyway, Monday night I made parmesan crusted baked chicken with steamed brown rice and fresh steamed broccoli. It felt nice to cook again. I've gotten REALLY out of the habit of cooking. It's quite shameful actually. Ben and Emily have become so accustomed to processed food that they don't eve know how to act when real food is put in front of them. Now that they are almost 3 and I know they can clearly understand the options when it comes to meal times we are going to present the dinner option I make and then an alternative of PB&J. Those are the 2 options. The other option is to not eat. I feel that is fair given their age. They can't keep eating processed chicken nuggets and fried forever.
On Tuesday we woke up with no power. Well, the power actually went out at about 10:30pm the night before because of the ice storm. I took the kids to my moms and spent a looooong day there. I finally brought them home around 5pm to get things to go back and spend the night. The power came back at about 5:30pm and has been on since. The ice storm wasn't really a big storm, but it was a HUGE mess. Lots of people were without power for a couple of days. We were lucky ours came back within 24 hours. I'll tell you that if ANYTHING was going to drive me back to Facebook, the boredom of an entire day without power would've done it. Haha! It wasn't too hard, though. There are only a couple of people I am staying in contact with at this point, and they've been super busy. I've been mostly on my own, but it's been OK spending some time in my own head. That's getting easier. I do miss them, though. It's hard to feel like people are slipping away, but I've decided not to fight it. True friendships wax and wane at times, and always come back around.
Wednesday I worked and that was actually nice. I am still enjoying my job. It's nice to go into a non-chaotic home, and I feel like I'm learning a lot about how to make my own home more calm and peaceful. I ordered a turbo sweeper from Amazon and it came today. It's this nifty little gadget that plugs in and charges, and then you can have cordless vacuuming on hardwood or carpet. It doesn't do the major job of a full sized vacuum, but it's super easy to use. It was a nice purchase for $35. I also ordered some glass storage containers, and I plan to do away with my plastic containers. We'll see how that goes. Also in the works are microfiber cloths for dusting, white cleaning towels to reduce paper towel usage and a dog brush for this poor, long suffering and ignored dog of ours. Trying to pull everything together after so long not caring if it was together or not is really difficult. It takes a lot of time and patience. I just have to keep reminding myself that it didn't get this way overnight and I can't fix it overnight. Mike has been really sick, so he's not been able to do much. The kids are both still swinging back and forth between OK and cruddy. Ben seems to be pretty well, but EK is struggling with coughing, especially at night.
I am reading a new book. It's a horror called Preta's Realm. I got it free on Amazon. Those books can be hit or miss. After I finished The Fault In Our Stars I started a book called Rush and it was an absolute disaster. I finally gave up on it about halfway through. It just was not good at all. I am thinking I may start another book this evening. I have a Mitford book that Jan Karon just published. It's bound to be a feel good book. Back in the day before Facebook I usually had 2 or 3 books going at once. I don't see any reason I can't get back to that.
I don't feel like going into "news, news" right now, but one thing of note is that today is Ash Wednesday and marks the official beginning of Lent, which means I'm officially 2 weeks Facebook free. LOL. I fasted today according to custom. One meal and two snacks, abstaining from meat. It was a good start to the Lent season.
Friday, February 13, 2015
60 Days Without Facebook - Days 7 - 9
February 11 - 13, 2015
As the days continue on I think about Facebook less and less. I think at this point in my venture I can come clean and admit that there is more than a Facebook habit I am trying to kick, and a much more internal and holistic reason for wanting to make a break from social media. Living my life with some sort of chronic pain for the last 3 years took me down a road I never thought I would travel, and I find myself now, without pain, but with a physical and emotional addiction to pain medication. So, I know from past experience working with individuals with opiate addiction that the process can be very UNpretty, and since I didn't really want to risk sharing that possible emotional train wreck with almost 400 of my "closest and most personal friends" ie. my Friend List on Facebook, I just chose to deactivate. Refocus my life, refocus my health, refocus my energy, and channel it all into something positive.
I deactivated my Facebook account on February 4th. I took my last pain pill on February 8th. It's been...OK. I knew that this would be a challenge for me mentally, long after the physical symptoms of withdrawal wore off, so I enlisted the help of a substance abuse counselor a couple of months ago. The original plan was that I was going to have partial knee replacement on January 28th, and the need for pain medication would be much more prolonged, but thankfully I had a competent surgeon this time around, and he found the actual problem, fixed it, and I was in relatively no pain after the first week. I am able to do so much more physically now than I have been able to in many, many months, and I'm in such a good place mentally about that, the whole process has been very smooth. I've been without meds for 5 days, and the physical symptoms are gone. I am utterly amazed at how smoothly it has gone so far, but I am not getting ahead of myself. I know there will come a day (and it won't be long from today) that I will decide I need a pill, and that's when the rubber will hit the road. I have to wonder, though, since I have tried this whole process of quitting before, if it's not easier because I'm not on Facebook. I'm forcing myself to "do" things and engage with other people and activities, and I'm not riding the roller coaster of the drama that can come along with social media. I don't know. I suspected it could have an impact, hence the timing of the deactivation (several people have questioned why I opted to deactivate 2 weeks before Lent if my plan was to break for Lent). There is a HUGE difference between a knee jerk post or reaction on social media, and the well thought out words that I place here. I think that social media tends to make us all more impulsive, and that impulsiveness bleeds over into more areas of our lives than we realize.
I started wearing a rubber band around my wrist today, and when I start to lose my focus, think about pills, panic or just go to some other bad or unhealthy place in my mind I pop it. The pain brings me back. I've never liked negative emotions. I mean...who does? I REALLY don't like them, though. I will run from them in any way I can. The rubber band pop helps bring me back. Back to my husband. Back to my children. Back to my parents. Back to my friends. Back to the people that need me here. Back to the people who need for me to stop running.
I've got a job that I really like. It's physical, and it's not glamorous, but the family I work with is nice, and genuinely thankful for the things I do for them. I feel needed and that has always been the only thing to make a job outside my home worth it. The kids like me, I like them, and it's just an overall positive environment to be in. Another plus for me, and just what I needed at this point in my life.
I've been continuing to read The Fault in Our Stars, and I retract my previous statement about it being generically written young adult fodder. It's actually pretty awesome, and I am over halfway through it. I've been devoting most of my free time to reading it, and I look forward to reading more of author's books. I'm really glad now that I didn't jump the gun and watch the movie first.
In news, news...
Jon Stewart is leaving The Daily Show, which is a huge bummer. HUGE. He will be missed.
Obama pwned conservative republicans in the face at the National Prayer Breakfast last week, reminding them that plenty of Christians throughout history have twisted religion and murdered in the name of their faith. It's just a fact. Don't be mad, bro.
The Mars One Project...why am I just now hearing about this? They are narrowing their list down to 100 today (it's probably done already), and I'm just fascinated with the entire thing. I really hope the whole thing goes down as planned, and I can watch the whole thing unfold. Really cool.
Rednecks are shooting Muslims again (Chapel Hill, NC). Go figure. Intolerant, hate-filled assholes. Sometimes I wish I could understand, but most of the time I'm glad I don't. I'm just happy to go on loving everybody, and raising the little people in my little corner of the world to do the same.
Republicans are still running the show in Washington DC and I would need hours to adequately cover all the ways in which I feel they are fucking it up, but let's just suffice it to say they are.
In Ben and EK related news, we're sort of at a stand still with potty training. It's happening, but not with any real consistency. I think we've had a tiny setback with them adjusting to me being gone working again. I finally caught their cold, but I'm mostly over it now. Their little noses continue to produce more snot that one would think possible for such tiny noses. They also are obsessed with "being sick" "calling the doctor" and their "knee popping." All of my health problems over these last few months have clearly made an impact on them. Hopefully these next few months can be a time of restoring my health, so my kids don't think they always need to go to the doctor. :(
It's bedtime. I still haven't started trying to learn to crochet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...
As the days continue on I think about Facebook less and less. I think at this point in my venture I can come clean and admit that there is more than a Facebook habit I am trying to kick, and a much more internal and holistic reason for wanting to make a break from social media. Living my life with some sort of chronic pain for the last 3 years took me down a road I never thought I would travel, and I find myself now, without pain, but with a physical and emotional addiction to pain medication. So, I know from past experience working with individuals with opiate addiction that the process can be very UNpretty, and since I didn't really want to risk sharing that possible emotional train wreck with almost 400 of my "closest and most personal friends" ie. my Friend List on Facebook, I just chose to deactivate. Refocus my life, refocus my health, refocus my energy, and channel it all into something positive.
I deactivated my Facebook account on February 4th. I took my last pain pill on February 8th. It's been...OK. I knew that this would be a challenge for me mentally, long after the physical symptoms of withdrawal wore off, so I enlisted the help of a substance abuse counselor a couple of months ago. The original plan was that I was going to have partial knee replacement on January 28th, and the need for pain medication would be much more prolonged, but thankfully I had a competent surgeon this time around, and he found the actual problem, fixed it, and I was in relatively no pain after the first week. I am able to do so much more physically now than I have been able to in many, many months, and I'm in such a good place mentally about that, the whole process has been very smooth. I've been without meds for 5 days, and the physical symptoms are gone. I am utterly amazed at how smoothly it has gone so far, but I am not getting ahead of myself. I know there will come a day (and it won't be long from today) that I will decide I need a pill, and that's when the rubber will hit the road. I have to wonder, though, since I have tried this whole process of quitting before, if it's not easier because I'm not on Facebook. I'm forcing myself to "do" things and engage with other people and activities, and I'm not riding the roller coaster of the drama that can come along with social media. I don't know. I suspected it could have an impact, hence the timing of the deactivation (several people have questioned why I opted to deactivate 2 weeks before Lent if my plan was to break for Lent). There is a HUGE difference between a knee jerk post or reaction on social media, and the well thought out words that I place here. I think that social media tends to make us all more impulsive, and that impulsiveness bleeds over into more areas of our lives than we realize.
I started wearing a rubber band around my wrist today, and when I start to lose my focus, think about pills, panic or just go to some other bad or unhealthy place in my mind I pop it. The pain brings me back. I've never liked negative emotions. I mean...who does? I REALLY don't like them, though. I will run from them in any way I can. The rubber band pop helps bring me back. Back to my husband. Back to my children. Back to my parents. Back to my friends. Back to the people that need me here. Back to the people who need for me to stop running.
I've got a job that I really like. It's physical, and it's not glamorous, but the family I work with is nice, and genuinely thankful for the things I do for them. I feel needed and that has always been the only thing to make a job outside my home worth it. The kids like me, I like them, and it's just an overall positive environment to be in. Another plus for me, and just what I needed at this point in my life.
I've been continuing to read The Fault in Our Stars, and I retract my previous statement about it being generically written young adult fodder. It's actually pretty awesome, and I am over halfway through it. I've been devoting most of my free time to reading it, and I look forward to reading more of author's books. I'm really glad now that I didn't jump the gun and watch the movie first.
In news, news...
Jon Stewart is leaving The Daily Show, which is a huge bummer. HUGE. He will be missed.
Obama pwned conservative republicans in the face at the National Prayer Breakfast last week, reminding them that plenty of Christians throughout history have twisted religion and murdered in the name of their faith. It's just a fact. Don't be mad, bro.
The Mars One Project...why am I just now hearing about this? They are narrowing their list down to 100 today (it's probably done already), and I'm just fascinated with the entire thing. I really hope the whole thing goes down as planned, and I can watch the whole thing unfold. Really cool.
Rednecks are shooting Muslims again (Chapel Hill, NC). Go figure. Intolerant, hate-filled assholes. Sometimes I wish I could understand, but most of the time I'm glad I don't. I'm just happy to go on loving everybody, and raising the little people in my little corner of the world to do the same.
Republicans are still running the show in Washington DC and I would need hours to adequately cover all the ways in which I feel they are fucking it up, but let's just suffice it to say they are.
In Ben and EK related news, we're sort of at a stand still with potty training. It's happening, but not with any real consistency. I think we've had a tiny setback with them adjusting to me being gone working again. I finally caught their cold, but I'm mostly over it now. Their little noses continue to produce more snot that one would think possible for such tiny noses. They also are obsessed with "being sick" "calling the doctor" and their "knee popping." All of my health problems over these last few months have clearly made an impact on them. Hopefully these next few months can be a time of restoring my health, so my kids don't think they always need to go to the doctor. :(
It's bedtime. I still haven't started trying to learn to crochet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe...
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
60 Days Without Facebook - Day 6
February 10, 2015
It's becoming pretty apparent that life does really go on without Facebook. The only reason I really continue to post here is so I can go back and fill in the gaps when I reactivate Facebook, which truly has become the log of my life.
Today I went to my job for the second time, and I really do enjoy it. The lady I work for is amazingly nice and laid back, and her children are well mannered. It's a lot to manage, especially with my knee still giving me some trouble, but I fake it til I make it. It's close to home, the pay is good, there are no pets to deal with and the kids are pretty self sufficient.
The kids had a blast at their Valentine's thing at preschool, and came home loaded up on sugar. That was awesome. It's fun to watch them experience so many new things. I'm clearly coming down with everyone's cold, so I tried to rest as much as I could today. Mike took the kids grocery shopping, which was like a miracle. 2 years, 8 months and 24 days after their birth he took them to the store alone for the very first time. They all survived, and I laid in bed feeling yuck and continuing my binge watching of Bates Motel season 2.
Nothing else remarkable happened. I was sick. I laid around a lot and watched a lot of TV.
It's becoming pretty apparent that life does really go on without Facebook. The only reason I really continue to post here is so I can go back and fill in the gaps when I reactivate Facebook, which truly has become the log of my life.
Today I went to my job for the second time, and I really do enjoy it. The lady I work for is amazingly nice and laid back, and her children are well mannered. It's a lot to manage, especially with my knee still giving me some trouble, but I fake it til I make it. It's close to home, the pay is good, there are no pets to deal with and the kids are pretty self sufficient.
The kids had a blast at their Valentine's thing at preschool, and came home loaded up on sugar. That was awesome. It's fun to watch them experience so many new things. I'm clearly coming down with everyone's cold, so I tried to rest as much as I could today. Mike took the kids grocery shopping, which was like a miracle. 2 years, 8 months and 24 days after their birth he took them to the store alone for the very first time. They all survived, and I laid in bed feeling yuck and continuing my binge watching of Bates Motel season 2.
Nothing else remarkable happened. I was sick. I laid around a lot and watched a lot of TV.
Monday, February 9, 2015
60 Days Without Facebook - Days 4 & 5
February 8 - 9, 2015
By the time I reached days 4 & 5 I was feeling much less anxiety and total craziness about this whole endeavor. On the 8th I started a new job. It is the first gig I have landed on care.com, and as far as I could tell from day 1 it's going to be nice working with this family. On my way home I stopped at the new Pho restaurant. I'm still in disbelief that there is a pho place in Winder. Anyway, I got them to give it to me with tofu because I am still having the weird meat thing, and I think they must've thought I wanted the tofu in lieu of the noodles, because there were none. DERP. Who eats pho without noodles?
I can't remember if I mentioned or not, but on Friday morning I flooded the bathroom. That's been an ongoing ordeal, and every day our house smells more and more like a toilet. It's so disgusting. Ugh. I still don't know how long it's going to take to get that smell gone completely. I had the bright idea to sprinkle the (still damp) carpet with baking soda. That' helped with the smell, but it clogged the hell out of the vacuum cleaner, and so now I have to figure out how to fix the vacuum AND finish cleaning up the mess. /sigh
On Monday the kids had preschool, and that was fun for them as usual. After I picked them up I met my mom at Great Clips and we cut off all of Ben's hair. I'm still traumatized. Everyone keeps telling me how cute he is and how happy I should be, but I'm not happy. He is cute. He's the cutest little boy I've ever seen. That's just it, though. He's a little boy. My baby is gone.
The kids got a bunch of new books this week. We finished out the What do you Hear/See collection by Eric Carle and added Animalia, Once Upon an Alphabet, Little Blue Truck Leads the Way and Goodnight Moon to our library. I love how much the kids love books.
Other than that I just spent some time getting the kids ready for their Valentine's Day festivities at school on Tuesday. I made goody bags for each child with kinetic sand, a heart necklace, a box of conversation hearts and 2 rolls of smarties. I hope the kids like them
I've been staying busier in general. Working is surely going to help. I am also remembering how much I like crossword puzzles, and have been spending some time on that. I've got a couple of books in the works, Tears and Tantrums by Aletha Solter and The Fault in Our Stars by some person I don't know the name of. The latter is turning out to be another book in a long string disappointing and badly written young adult literature, but to be fair I'm only a couple chapters in.
By the time I reached days 4 & 5 I was feeling much less anxiety and total craziness about this whole endeavor. On the 8th I started a new job. It is the first gig I have landed on care.com, and as far as I could tell from day 1 it's going to be nice working with this family. On my way home I stopped at the new Pho restaurant. I'm still in disbelief that there is a pho place in Winder. Anyway, I got them to give it to me with tofu because I am still having the weird meat thing, and I think they must've thought I wanted the tofu in lieu of the noodles, because there were none. DERP. Who eats pho without noodles?
I can't remember if I mentioned or not, but on Friday morning I flooded the bathroom. That's been an ongoing ordeal, and every day our house smells more and more like a toilet. It's so disgusting. Ugh. I still don't know how long it's going to take to get that smell gone completely. I had the bright idea to sprinkle the (still damp) carpet with baking soda. That' helped with the smell, but it clogged the hell out of the vacuum cleaner, and so now I have to figure out how to fix the vacuum AND finish cleaning up the mess. /sigh
On Monday the kids had preschool, and that was fun for them as usual. After I picked them up I met my mom at Great Clips and we cut off all of Ben's hair. I'm still traumatized. Everyone keeps telling me how cute he is and how happy I should be, but I'm not happy. He is cute. He's the cutest little boy I've ever seen. That's just it, though. He's a little boy. My baby is gone.
The kids got a bunch of new books this week. We finished out the What do you Hear/See collection by Eric Carle and added Animalia, Once Upon an Alphabet, Little Blue Truck Leads the Way and Goodnight Moon to our library. I love how much the kids love books.
Other than that I just spent some time getting the kids ready for their Valentine's Day festivities at school on Tuesday. I made goody bags for each child with kinetic sand, a heart necklace, a box of conversation hearts and 2 rolls of smarties. I hope the kids like them
I've been staying busier in general. Working is surely going to help. I am also remembering how much I like crossword puzzles, and have been spending some time on that. I've got a couple of books in the works, Tears and Tantrums by Aletha Solter and The Fault in Our Stars by some person I don't know the name of. The latter is turning out to be another book in a long string disappointing and badly written young adult literature, but to be fair I'm only a couple chapters in.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
60 Days Without Facebook - Day 3
February 7, 2015
I was so busy today I didn't have time to miss Facebook. Win. Win. Win. Heading to bed. I'll surely have more to say tomorrow since I'm starting a new job, and there are some other things of note, but I'm too tired tonight to worry with it. LOL
I was so busy today I didn't have time to miss Facebook. Win. Win. Win. Heading to bed. I'll surely have more to say tomorrow since I'm starting a new job, and there are some other things of note, but I'm too tired tonight to worry with it. LOL
Friday, February 6, 2015
60 Days Without Facebook - Day 2
February 6, 2015
So today I feel I made some progress. I started out the day by making the kids a yummy, hot breakfast of cheese toast and scrambled eggs. Sadly, I have gotten very much out of the habit of preparing them a hot breakfast every day, and that's just been flat out lazy of me. We all had a nice breakfast and that was a good way to start the day.
I also had to get out of the house to see the surgeon for my follow-up, and the visit was positive. My recovery is progressing better than I thought that it would. I am finally in less pain, and I am hopeful that this almost 3 year long ordeal is going to be behind me very soon, provided I stay on track with physical therapy. It was good to just get out of the house, and I am happy that the weekend will be lovely weather-wise, and I plan to get the kids out to the park for a few hours on Sunday. I think the fresh air and sunshine will be good for all of us.
I also read some news that I didn't obtain from Facebook, and while I felt that there were things I would've read and posted to Facebook the urge to do so wasn't very overwhelming. The primary thing I read and liked was the story of President Obama's speech at the National Prayer Breakfast on Thursday. The President continues to impress me, and I love that he has finally reached the stage of being more assertive and "in your face" with his commentary and stances on the issues plaguing the country. I only wish he could've found his voice years ago, and not just in the last 2 years of his stretch as President.
I played with the kids a LOT today, probably more than I have in a very long time. Unplugging myself from Facebook is really starting to make a difference in the level that I plug in with them. We brought out their kinetic sand kits for the first time, and they had a blast playing with it for well over an hour. After that we spent about an hour just putting together puzzles. Every day they amaze me more and more, and it is such a joy to watch their little minds at work.
One thing that I have realized over the last 2 days is that I have connected so much in my life to Facebook. One thing that stands out in particular is how many websites I have set up to log in through my Facebook account. I've actually had to reactivate my account a couple of times to change those settings. Both times I was able to resist temptation to check all those notifications just sitting there waiting for me, and just pop in to deactivate my account again. This is getting easier.
I've been spending quite a bit of time doing crossword and word find puzzles. It feels good to exercise my brain on things like this that I used to enjoy, but fell by the wayside in lieu of social media. I feel confident that over time I will begin to spend more time reading, doing projects with the kids and I've considered getting myself a membership to the YMCA so I can do some yoga and use the recumbent bikes. I think that yoga will be good for my anxiety, and the recumbent bike would be great therapy for my knee. Win, win.
Mike has picked up the cold that the kids had last week, and he's feeling pretty rough. Today I made another batch of the homemade cough syrup that worked so well for the kids, although I don't know that he will actually partake in my "hippie voodoo cough syrup" it is there waiting just in case any of us need it. I also tried my hand at homemade chest rub (Vick's chest rub) for the first time. It seems to have worked very well. I'll post the recipes in another post tomorrow.
Anyway, I am headed to bed, and I feel more satisfied and tired than the past 2 nights. I feel confident that I will fall asleep much more easily tonight, and get better rest. Hopefully tonight there will be no strange dreams about being in love with Seth Rogen. Haha!
It's still one day at a time, but the days are getting shorter, and longer at the same time as I begin to plug back in to the things that I used to find enjoyable. I only watched about 30 minutes of TV today, and I don't even remember the last time that happened.
Goodnight world. :)
So today I feel I made some progress. I started out the day by making the kids a yummy, hot breakfast of cheese toast and scrambled eggs. Sadly, I have gotten very much out of the habit of preparing them a hot breakfast every day, and that's just been flat out lazy of me. We all had a nice breakfast and that was a good way to start the day.
I also had to get out of the house to see the surgeon for my follow-up, and the visit was positive. My recovery is progressing better than I thought that it would. I am finally in less pain, and I am hopeful that this almost 3 year long ordeal is going to be behind me very soon, provided I stay on track with physical therapy. It was good to just get out of the house, and I am happy that the weekend will be lovely weather-wise, and I plan to get the kids out to the park for a few hours on Sunday. I think the fresh air and sunshine will be good for all of us.
I also read some news that I didn't obtain from Facebook, and while I felt that there were things I would've read and posted to Facebook the urge to do so wasn't very overwhelming. The primary thing I read and liked was the story of President Obama's speech at the National Prayer Breakfast on Thursday. The President continues to impress me, and I love that he has finally reached the stage of being more assertive and "in your face" with his commentary and stances on the issues plaguing the country. I only wish he could've found his voice years ago, and not just in the last 2 years of his stretch as President.
I played with the kids a LOT today, probably more than I have in a very long time. Unplugging myself from Facebook is really starting to make a difference in the level that I plug in with them. We brought out their kinetic sand kits for the first time, and they had a blast playing with it for well over an hour. After that we spent about an hour just putting together puzzles. Every day they amaze me more and more, and it is such a joy to watch their little minds at work.
One thing that I have realized over the last 2 days is that I have connected so much in my life to Facebook. One thing that stands out in particular is how many websites I have set up to log in through my Facebook account. I've actually had to reactivate my account a couple of times to change those settings. Both times I was able to resist temptation to check all those notifications just sitting there waiting for me, and just pop in to deactivate my account again. This is getting easier.
I've been spending quite a bit of time doing crossword and word find puzzles. It feels good to exercise my brain on things like this that I used to enjoy, but fell by the wayside in lieu of social media. I feel confident that over time I will begin to spend more time reading, doing projects with the kids and I've considered getting myself a membership to the YMCA so I can do some yoga and use the recumbent bikes. I think that yoga will be good for my anxiety, and the recumbent bike would be great therapy for my knee. Win, win.
Mike has picked up the cold that the kids had last week, and he's feeling pretty rough. Today I made another batch of the homemade cough syrup that worked so well for the kids, although I don't know that he will actually partake in my "hippie voodoo cough syrup" it is there waiting just in case any of us need it. I also tried my hand at homemade chest rub (Vick's chest rub) for the first time. It seems to have worked very well. I'll post the recipes in another post tomorrow.
Anyway, I am headed to bed, and I feel more satisfied and tired than the past 2 nights. I feel confident that I will fall asleep much more easily tonight, and get better rest. Hopefully tonight there will be no strange dreams about being in love with Seth Rogen. Haha!
It's still one day at a time, but the days are getting shorter, and longer at the same time as I begin to plug back in to the things that I used to find enjoyable. I only watched about 30 minutes of TV today, and I don't even remember the last time that happened.
Goodnight world. :)
Dance Baby Dance!
I have tried for almost 2 years to get a video of Emmie Kate dancing. Finally got it today!!
Her moves are so funny. <3
Second Night Without Facebook
I usually check Facebook hundreds of times per day. Especially at night. I lay in bed at night and catch up on news, chat with friends and lull myself to sleep with phone in hand. Last night was really, really hard. There are some other things that I will not go into detail on and I am also battling a cold, so it was pretty difficult to get to sleep, so I just laid there in the dark and listened to my daughter breathe. I laid there alone with all my thoughts, worries, stresses, fears. It was not fun. I was not comforted. I don't like it. I woke up at 3am and wanted to check Facebook. Instead I saw that I had 2 text messages, one from Alicia and one from Amanda. I read them, yes at 3am, got up to use the bathroom, and then laid back in bed stared at the ceiling and went back to all of those uncomfortable thoughts from earlier in the night. I could feel my anxiety welling back up, and again kicked myself for allowing myself to run out of Xanax 3 days early. I really have the most terrible timing. I finally did get back to sleep. When I woke up at 6am I just said "screw it" and got up. I used to laugh at my dad for getting up several times per night to smoke cigarettes. I realize now that this is much the same. Who wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks "must check Facebook!" I know I'm not the only one, but I would wager a guess that it's not something anyone would feel particularly excited or proud to admit.
After I'd been up a while I remembered that I had a dream last night I was in high school with Seth Rogen, and I DESPERATELY wanted to date him. I'm not ruling out the possibility that I'm losing my mind.
After I'd been up a while I remembered that I had a dream last night I was in high school with Seth Rogen, and I DESPERATELY wanted to date him. I'm not ruling out the possibility that I'm losing my mind.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The First 24 Hours...
February 5, 2015
So today, almost in rebellion to myself in general, I did nothing productive except apply for a few jobs online. Other than that I just watched my kids play, watched a lot of TV, and thought about how much I miss Facebook.
Yes, I know how pathetic I sound.
So, just for kicks I did a Google search entitled "How to Survive Without Facebook." I figured I would be the only one pathetic enough to have even experienced this, let alone been brave enough to write about it, but I was SO wrong.
Not only are there hundreds (if not thousands) of articles dedicated to living without Facebook, but here is a glance of searches Google finds related to "how to survive without Facebook."
Shit has gotten real, y'all.
I initially did a search for just "how to survive" and found this neat little ditty . How to Survive the First 168 Hours After a Break-up. Fair enough. I feel like I've broken up with Facebook, albeit with the understanding that we will have a glorious reunion 59 days from now. The article says the first 24 hours is crucial. "unplug from social media" it suggests. OK. Done. What's next? From 24-48 hours you need to "Alert your Support Network." Ummm...fuck this stupid article. I'M BREAKING UP WITH MY SUPPORT NETWORK!! That article was useless and the author clearly is not down with the struggle. It's real.
All I can say at this point is that I hate this and I want to go back to Facebook SO badly. I know from previous experience, however, that going back to Facebook now is the worst thing I can do BECAUSE I want to so badly. If I had been gone for a day and hardly gave it a second thought then it would seem somehow more appropriate to head on back, but I'm very convinced at this point that I'm doing the right thing. Hopefully by the end of the 60 days I'll be more like this guy...
Unbelievably Zen Dude
In other news:
1) We're making potty training progress with EK....FINALLLLLLY
2) EK told Ben he was her best friend for the first time today
3) EK told daddy today that she was upset and wanted to "talk about it with my words." It's working! It's working!
So today, almost in rebellion to myself in general, I did nothing productive except apply for a few jobs online. Other than that I just watched my kids play, watched a lot of TV, and thought about how much I miss Facebook.
Yes, I know how pathetic I sound.
So, just for kicks I did a Google search entitled "How to Survive Without Facebook." I figured I would be the only one pathetic enough to have even experienced this, let alone been brave enough to write about it, but I was SO wrong.
Not only are there hundreds (if not thousands) of articles dedicated to living without Facebook, but here is a glance of searches Google finds related to "how to survive without Facebook."
I initially did a search for just "how to survive" and found this neat little ditty . How to Survive the First 168 Hours After a Break-up. Fair enough. I feel like I've broken up with Facebook, albeit with the understanding that we will have a glorious reunion 59 days from now. The article says the first 24 hours is crucial. "unplug from social media" it suggests. OK. Done. What's next? From 24-48 hours you need to "Alert your Support Network." Ummm...fuck this stupid article. I'M BREAKING UP WITH MY SUPPORT NETWORK!! That article was useless and the author clearly is not down with the struggle. It's real.
All I can say at this point is that I hate this and I want to go back to Facebook SO badly. I know from previous experience, however, that going back to Facebook now is the worst thing I can do BECAUSE I want to so badly. If I had been gone for a day and hardly gave it a second thought then it would seem somehow more appropriate to head on back, but I'm very convinced at this point that I'm doing the right thing. Hopefully by the end of the 60 days I'll be more like this guy...
Unbelievably Zen Dude
"We socialize, but do we fear being alone?Is there something scary in an empty inbox? Are we bored to death without checking Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or Tumblr other social sites?Can we disconnect and face the fear of being by ourselves, without distractions, with nothing but the thing we want to create?Try it for a day: go a day without going to Facebook or any of the other social sites you might traverse on a regular basis...This solitude can be scary (emphasis mine because #thestruggleisreal), but in time we can learn to be our own companion, learn that there’s no better company. That’s a valuable lesson to learn."
In other news:
1) We're making potty training progress with EK....FINALLLLLLY
2) EK told Ben he was her best friend for the first time today
3) EK told daddy today that she was upset and wanted to "talk about it with my words." It's working! It's working!
60 Days Without Facebook
February 4 - 5, 2015
It has been just over 12 hours since I deactivated my Facebook account. There are so many reasons I need to do this. All of them are good, but none of them seem valid at the moment. This may sound pathetic, but making a break from Facebook cold turkey is like getting over the mental aspects of an addiction. Since I woke up this morning at 6am I've reached for my Kindle, laptop and cellphone more times than I can count. Thankfully last night I removed the Facebook app from my phone and Kindle to lessen the temptation.
This is what I've realized in the last 4 hours...
1) I AM addicted to Facebook. Not in a joking "Oh, I'm addicted to chewing gum" or "Oh, I couldn't live without Starbucks" kind of way. This is no joke.
2) I feel completely and utterly isolated from everything. I talk to virtually everyone I know on Facebook. I read funny blogs on Facebook. I read my news on Facebook. I find recipes on Facebook. I talk about my kids and track their milestones and funny antics on Facebook. Virtually the ONLY place I socialize is on Facebook Seriously? Get the hell outta here! No, I'm serious when I say the isolation I have felt in the last 4 hours has been eye-opening
3) I have wanted to update my status at least 5 times today already. I was watching About A Boy (you know, spending my time in valuable ways) and one of the characters on the show is a crunchy mom. She has a neighbor that is constantly making fun of her crunchiness, and to be fair, she is pretty over the top. I love the show. It's lighthearted and cute. Anyway, he heard maracas coming from the apartment next door he said,
"What kind of hippie voodoo is going on in Granola Land today?"
I would've made a status update about that.
I want to talk about Bobbi Kristina Brown. I want to understand. The news surrounding her started days before I deactivated Facebook, but it's been emotional for me to the point that I really just couldn't process the right words to say. I cried for days when Whitney Houston died. I didn't cry because I loved her all that much. Her music is memorable to my generation and she had an amazing talent, but the reason I cried is she died because she was an addict. Addicts dying scare the hell out of me. I can't process it rationally because there is nothing rational about it. I know firsthand unfortunately that there is absolutely nothing rational about addiction. I'm still not ready to talk about her daughter. It's just too much to wrap my head around. I would've probably talked about all of this on Facebook today. I would've posted a status update about how not ready I was to post a status update about it. O.o
I probably would've talked about how miserably I slept last night, and been tempted to tell someone that my daughter peed in the potty for the very first time yesterday. Instead I'm telling these things to myself.
4) I absolutely don't know what to do with myself and I feel pathetic. It's going to be a long 60 days unless I figure out something to do to fill the time. I'll get there, but doing this a week after knee surgery was probably not the best time. to isolate myself from pretty much everyone I normally interact with.
5) These are the things I felt and went through when I stopped drinking.
6) One day at a time...
It has been just over 12 hours since I deactivated my Facebook account. There are so many reasons I need to do this. All of them are good, but none of them seem valid at the moment. This may sound pathetic, but making a break from Facebook cold turkey is like getting over the mental aspects of an addiction. Since I woke up this morning at 6am I've reached for my Kindle, laptop and cellphone more times than I can count. Thankfully last night I removed the Facebook app from my phone and Kindle to lessen the temptation.
This is what I've realized in the last 4 hours...
1) I AM addicted to Facebook. Not in a joking "Oh, I'm addicted to chewing gum" or "Oh, I couldn't live without Starbucks" kind of way. This is no joke.
2) I feel completely and utterly isolated from everything. I talk to virtually everyone I know on Facebook. I read funny blogs on Facebook. I read my news on Facebook. I find recipes on Facebook. I talk about my kids and track their milestones and funny antics on Facebook. Virtually the ONLY place I socialize is on Facebook Seriously? Get the hell outta here! No, I'm serious when I say the isolation I have felt in the last 4 hours has been eye-opening
3) I have wanted to update my status at least 5 times today already. I was watching About A Boy (you know, spending my time in valuable ways) and one of the characters on the show is a crunchy mom. She has a neighbor that is constantly making fun of her crunchiness, and to be fair, she is pretty over the top. I love the show. It's lighthearted and cute. Anyway, he heard maracas coming from the apartment next door he said,
"What kind of hippie voodoo is going on in Granola Land today?"
I would've made a status update about that.
I want to talk about Bobbi Kristina Brown. I want to understand. The news surrounding her started days before I deactivated Facebook, but it's been emotional for me to the point that I really just couldn't process the right words to say. I cried for days when Whitney Houston died. I didn't cry because I loved her all that much. Her music is memorable to my generation and she had an amazing talent, but the reason I cried is she died because she was an addict. Addicts dying scare the hell out of me. I can't process it rationally because there is nothing rational about it. I know firsthand unfortunately that there is absolutely nothing rational about addiction. I'm still not ready to talk about her daughter. It's just too much to wrap my head around. I would've probably talked about all of this on Facebook today. I would've posted a status update about how not ready I was to post a status update about it. O.o
I probably would've talked about how miserably I slept last night, and been tempted to tell someone that my daughter peed in the potty for the very first time yesterday. Instead I'm telling these things to myself.
4) I absolutely don't know what to do with myself and I feel pathetic. It's going to be a long 60 days unless I figure out something to do to fill the time. I'll get there, but doing this a week after knee surgery was probably not the best time. to isolate myself from pretty much everyone I normally interact with.
5) These are the things I felt and went through when I stopped drinking.
6) One day at a time...
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